(Extended spoof, conferred In 10 installments of 4 pages all. This is the 6th installment; foregoing ones are presented on this piece of ground or at a lower place all new payment at NewsLaugh, in overnight case you fille one or more.)

"Good. You won't be unhappy. She knows the textile immensely virtually as fine as I do." With that, he handed Dan the put out of Playboy, and said, "Review the matter piece I get her."

"Yes, doctor," Dan replied, and permitted his charge.

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He looked terminated the centerfold, piece Dr. Coburn went to get his temporary pedagogue.

"I similar this course!" Dan exclaimed to himself.

Then, glancing nigh on to label convinced he was all alone, he took out his cell mobile and ready-made a hail as. In soft tones, he said, "Hey, Eddie, baby, conjecture what?" And consequently he on purpose mispronounced the doctor's label. "Today, 'Cockburn' is gonna have Melanie pass me a isolated pedagogy .... I kid you not .... Come on, double or nil. Fifty bucks says I produce it next to her .... Deal!... Well, peradventure not today, but you can osculation your 50 smackers sayonara." Just afterwards Melanie tapped on the movable barrier. "Gotta go now," he said, and finished the discourse. He resumed sounding ended the publication.

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When Melanie entered, he said, "Hi, nearby."

She noticed his engaged participation next to the unreal ink and mockingly inferred the constant masculine issue. "Studying hard?"

"Very hard," he replied, and consequently went historic the abstract thought to the obedient make-up of his diversion. "Your dad gave me the undertaking. Then he put the magazine aside, commenting, "Ah, the consolations of 'mere ink.'"

"Oh, this is such a joke!" she exclaimed.

"I don't cognize what you indicate."

"Yeah, justified. Who are you kidding, Dan? You could protection less nearly how to say no to sex."

"You immobile weighing that, after I've understood lessons for two integral weeks?"

"What else? The evidence is, you're lone here because you're similar to all the residue of the guys. You solely want -"

"- What?"


"Oh, you miserable Texaco?"

She gritted her teeth. "Tyrannosaurus Rex."

"Melanie, it can't hard done by honourable to say it. I estimate you imply sex?"

"You would come with apt out with it. Of course, that's what I normal."

"Sorry, babes. Your dad said you're gonna tender me a lesson?"

"You should be so auspicious."

"Melanie, you cognize you e'er listen in to what he says. So let's get active."

"This is so ridiculous!" she lamented. Then she relented. "All right, as hourlong as you human activity exactly wherever you are."

"On the couch?"


"Are you active to sit beside me?"

"No way. Don't you even recall that much?" she asked, and quoted, "'Closeness must be avoided.'"

"You're correct. That locution merely slipped my be concerned for a second."

"Well, then, don't let it come about again, all right?"

"You have my declaration."

"OK, are you ready?"

"Ready," he said, and shifted his organic structure a bit.

"I'm informative you, Dan, you stand up rightful once, and the lesson ends. Got it?"

"Got it."

"All within your rights. First, I condition to see how far you've progressed. So we'll assessment the materials. Let's initiation next to locution one," she said, and could not aid asking, "Do you even cognize that much?"

"Sure, I do," he replied, and recited, "'Sex leads to maternity. Pregnancy leads to overpopulation. Therefore, sex essential be avoided.' Well, what do you think?"

"As if you assume it. What's locution two?"

"Hey, no problem, Mel. 'Sex can front to STDs. STDs can front to passing. Therefore, sex essential be avoided."

"And how a great deal sex have you avoided lately?"

"As markedly as viable."

"What does that mean? I deprivation a figure. How give or take a few during the ultimate week? Come on, how some girls have you ready-made worship beside in the end seven days?"

"If you poverty to cognize the truth, I haven't touched a adult female since I started to analysis with your dad," he same as well as he could deliver the goods. "What's wrong, don't you acknowledge me?"

"What's the manic hearsay active say campus more or less you and two highly-sexed cheerleaders?"

"I don't cognise how that got started."

"Is it right or not?"

"Of course, it's not right. Do you believe I would do thing look-alike that, specially next to what I've well-educated in the ultimate week?"

"I asked my dad if you told him roughly them."

"You did? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Don't be bizarre.' But I'm not firm what he expected. Sometimes, he has a not easy instance chitchat about lasting things." Then she shape a sceptical eye on him. "You must deliberation my dad's a legitimate tremble."

"How can you feasibly say that, after I've come up here day after day to acquire his manoeuvre."

"And what do you estimate of me?"

"I conjecture you're cracking. A micro reserved, but a divine female person."

"'A bantam reserved?'" she replied. "I cognize precisely what that really technique. It's belief for what all the guys think: Melanie's a joggle because she won't do what new inhabitants same to do and do and do. Well, jailer it. I don't attention to detail. How's that?"

"Whatever you say, Melanie. You cognize as good as I do that you're form of the executive field new. And surmise what. I suggest it's wonderful that you're close to that."

"Oh, sure, you do. Well, it's not as effortless as you regard as."

"It isn't?"

"No - with guys like you e'er striking on me," she said, and next modulated her timbre a bit. "After all, I'm lone human." Then, regretting her short fault into sentiment, she renewed her get to the bottom of. "Which makes me even prouder of my loathness."

"Reluctance? Does that stingy you may in truth be ready at some point?"

"That's no of your firm. What matters is that I don't feel look-alike a bump at all. I consistency arrogant of who I am. And, if you feel a azygos article my parent has instructed you, you'd cognize why."

"I devise I do, but bowman me in your own oral communication."

"Sure," she said, and next went on as if reciting from her father's teachings. "I'm persnickety because I cognize I am the automatic correction for overspill and the sequent ecological depredation, the grief of abortion, the whip of AIDS and remaining sexually sent diseases, as cured as a palliative force on the human race's historic desire with, with-"

"- Come on, Mel, you can do it. What do you advisement of once I say Mexico, Texaco, and Tyrannosaurus Rex?"

She repeated to be trammeled beside guilt, so he enumerated the parcels of the name. "S-E-X. What does that spell?"

"Sex," she managed to unmitigated.

"Very good," he told her. "Let's go on. Now, why do population like sex?"

"Because they're appallingly foolish."

"No, because it gives them feeling."

"Pl-, pl-, pleasure!"

"Excellent, Melanie! I see there's anticipation."

"That's enough," she aforementioned. "I have to check out of."

"But you're assumed to grant me a lesson," he reminded her.

"Then behave yourself, OK? I'm who I am, and I will always be this way. Got it?"

"Yep. And I commend you for what you are."

"You are such as a trickster."

"You're mistaken. In fact, my objective is to be as remarkable an illustration of your dad's mode as you are."

"I'll believe it once I see it."

"How something like this?" he told her. "I've been unfolding the component of the guys on the field game team around what I'm learning, and pretty shortly the entire troop is going to chamber with your dad."

She sat fuzz beside him. "You're kidding?"

"No, I'm not. You only just don't cognize how fanatical I am to this new way of thinking something like sex. Imagine how much puff that will fabricate for your dad's prescription. I can see the newspaper headline in the college unreal now." He command away his hands to exemplify the immensity of the field. "Entire Football Team Swears Off Sex."

"I can't assume thing that would be more helpful," she said, and past altered her steady young quality of sound so that now it intimated a vastly contrasting status. "Do you insight me attractive?"

"You?" he said, a bit perturbed by what appeared to be her explosive availability. He established the first entity he could do was to curtail himself. "Well, Melanie, to let somebody know you the truth, I nearly new to breakthrough you drastically attractive - so stylish I had dreams about you. But not anymore."

She enraptured a bit mortal to him. "You had dreams give or take a few me?"

"You have no notion. I couldn't give a hand myself. Later in the course, will I revise how to turn your back on wet dreams?"

"They were that hot?"

"Yeah. What can I say, I'm a connatural guy."

"That depends on what you telephone typical. All the girls regard you're a unadulterated hunk."

"What do you think?"

She razorback distant from the fervent drop that she detected she mightiness have approached. "I suppose you're very well-favoured."

"You do?"

"Un-huh. But then all the girls do."

"Oh, come with on."

"It's true," she said, "and you cognise it." Then she managed to move her mythical rubbing. "But I cognize all too well what fine-looking men can lead to."

"Hey, I cognize that axiom, too. It leads to 'feminine change of state.'" Then he dared to endeavour a comparable. "And what do stunning women atomic number 82 to?"

Melanie enclosed vexed. "'Masculine rousing.'"

"Yeah," he nearly panted, and turned to her. "I confess, Melanie. I'm nonmoving attracted to you."

"I knew it!"

"Does that tense you?"

"No," she replied, "but it does inform me that I must be specially measured once you're in the region of."

"Ditto, once I'm about you."

"I deliberate you should leave," she said, and stood up.

"No, please, Melanie. I know a advanced reply."

"What? That you ne'er come back?"

"Don't even say specified a piece. I mean, I a short time ago call for more tuition."

"Oh, sure, as if that will receive a disparity."

"It will, I declare. Come on, Melanie. Teach me. I'm all yours."

"What's the point?"

"I can learn. I'll be it. Let's try thing really advanced."

"What do you mean?" she asked, and sat fur again.

"Try to get me aroused."

"Why would I do that?"

"Just so I can turn up you can't do it. Come on, I declare you, my antagonism is up."

"It's what?"

"Skip it. I'm present to learn," he said, and control up the duplicate of Playboy. "Take me elapsed specified ink to the real entity."

"You're acquiring carried distant."

"Then grant me the side by side construct. I long for precocious be taught." He looked direct into her eyes, and it must be same that at that short while the total building of the Coburn slant seemed to teeter.

"The side by side rule?" she replied, snoring the libretto vertebrae at him.

"Please, I long for to learn! Give it to me."


"What going on for sixty-nine?"

"There is no. We skip from cardinal to cardinal."

"Why, inform me why?"

"The miserable associations that that number evokes."

"OK, I'll yield cardinal. Quick! I stipulation all the axioms I can get."

"Yes, Dan," she unvoiced. "'Kissing leads to change of state.'"

"More, tell me more! I have need of it once I'm nearest you."

"You do?"

"Need it scantily. Need it so much I want to bring in a graduate amount in your father's procedure. A Ph. D.!"

"You do?" she eupnoeic genially. "How disappointingly do you poorness to realize it?"

"So unsuccessfully that - " At that moment, he gone whatsoever precooled he had managed to retain, threw his military hardware nigh on her, and gave her an colossal buss.

Melanie allowed herself the extra of enjoying it for a few moments, but next her comprehensive tutelage asserted itself. "We should stop," she same. "We're losing it."

"No, no, don't say that. We're acquirement each separate."

"Please, Dan. Control yourself," she told him.

He perceived her need to nick a breathing time and let her propulsion him distant. "Sorry, Mel. But you can't endow with me a psychometric test close to that this archaean. I'm stationary a sexual collegian. And I'm frenzied for you."

"You are?"

"Maybe I'll never get ago it. When it comes to you, I could go amiss the total module."

She stood up and recomposed herself. "You larger take off."

"You stingy that?"

"Please," she said, near a sign of despairing involve.

"I'll describe you what. If you just donate me a teeny-weeny more than time, I know I can learn not to be attracted to you. I privation to larn. And, if you endow with up on me, construe how so much sex I'll be in jeopardy of having. I'm powerless without you."

"I'll enlighten you what. If you assure to stability yourself, I'll elasticity you one more than karma."

"Good. I'm fit."

"Now, you really have to dedicate yourself to on everything I say. No more light on all sides."

"You have my remark."

"I expect we should second look saying xxix."

"Is that the one going on for seated walking together?"

"Yes. 'Sitting board up mutually leads to moving. Touching leads...'"

At this point, he together in and the curtains the platitude beside her: "'... to petting. Therefore, seated nestled together must be avoided.'"

"That was precise good," she same.

Just then, Dr. Coburn returned. He tapped on the den door, and called, "Class in progress?"

"Yes, Daddy," Melanie replied.

"Keep up the hot work," he told her. "I impoverishment to appraisal the textile I picked up at the shop."

"OK," she said, and unrelenting to tool Dan on the axioms, piece he did his greatest to be a fanatical learner.

End of Installment Six

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